Feeling Alive Again

I should begin with a brief explanation: recently, I’ve been dealing with a significant amount of anxiety, centering around work but affecting all aspects of my life.  (For those who are familiar with these sorts of terms, it’s likely an adjustment disorder, which can present itself like a temporary general anxiety disorder.)  Looking back, I can see it really started presenting symptoms around a year ago, perhaps even a year and a half, though it took I while for me to recognize something was wrong.  I started seeing a therapist in August, and in addition, I was continuing with daily meditation and a short devotional … until around Samhain, that is.  November was rough. I kept feeling worse and worse, and inside I felt deader and deader.  November saw the breaking points.  I finally decided to try medication.

Since then it’s been like the slow but sure signs of spring.  Before this, it was a struggle just to feel okay.  I had felt like I was doing all I could: exercise, meditation, therapy, self pep-talks, building firmer boundaries between work (the “trigger” for a lot of this) and home … but I still felt like I was falling apart and trapped in a life I couldn’t deal with.  Each weekend was spent just trying to recuperate and pick myself up again in time for Monday morning.  But then, in December, the medication started kicking in (much sooner than it does for many.)  I started feeling more optimistic.  I started wanting to play guitar.  I started laughing more, at home and at work.  I started tending my houseplants more regularly, which had all been sorely neglected and many on the verge of keeling over.

Last week I felt like I had rediscovered my faith in the gods.  I suddenly feel like my life has some great, exciting purpose to it.  I know I’ve felt this way before, but it has honestly been so long that I forgot.

This week I started cooking again.  Not just preparing quick meals, but cooking from scratch.  (I’m waiting for a lovely chickpea curry to finish simmering as I write this.)  As I sauteed the onions and spices, a distinct feeling of peace washed over me.  At that very moment, I felt like I was exactly where I was supposed to be, doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing.

Words cannot express my joy.  Though nothing external has changed in my life, I am in a fount of blessings, and “grateful” doesn’t even begin to do these feelings justice.

Thanks be to the gods!

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